Queer Duck: April 2006

Monday, April 24, 2006

Awake From Easter - Finally

I think I have finally awoken from my drunken debauchery from Easter weekend. I'm am not really one to celebrate holidays, but as you know, I'm a duck and this is my weekend, or partially so... since everyone seems to enjoy the bunny so much more. But where the hell do you think those eggs come from. Bunnies don't actually lay those things regardless of what the Cadbury commercials tell you.

Easter weekend can still be a pretty difficult day to outlive, I get many comments about why I haven't visited so-and-so's house. Normally I play along and just say I was off sick, or my assistant is running behind. But this year I got one particularly rude man come up to me demanding that I give him chocolate right on the spot. After trying to ignore him, and he still insisted, I lost my cool.

"Hey Duck, where's my chocolate"
"I don't have any sorry"
"I want my chocolate"
"Well, I'm sorry, as I said I don't have any"
"I want my fucking chocolate you bastard, you didn't even come to my house this year"
"Well, as you may know that's the Easter Bunny's job, not mine, I'm a duck"
"Your related, bunnies, duckies, and chocolate go together"
"It's impossible for a duck and bunny to be related"
"Just give me my chocolate"
"I am a male duck"
"Male ducks don't lay chocolate eggs"
I think at this point he banged on his chest and his head twisted 360 degrees.
"Listen you fucking retard mongoloid, go back to Lollipop Lane with the happy little bunnies and rape them of their chocolate, because the I am not employed by the Peter Rabbit Bunnytail Chocolate Association. If I were, I'd be sure to blacklist you from any subsequent chocolate deliveries and ban you from their restaurants where you can never relish in another chocolate delicacy. If you ask me for any fucking chocolate again I am going to rip off your face and dance around the fire, in the nude I might add, and dip your skinless face in molten chocolate so you can lick your lips for the rest of your life and taste your very own ignorance that ducks don't supply chocolate!!!"
My over the top speech created a scene at this point and people were gathered around. The rude guy stood there for a moment, quite stunned. I figured at this point it would be best to leave. As I turned around he said it.
"So, ducky, I know you don't have chocolate, but do you have any eggs?"
I smiled, reached around my ass and dropped a deuce into my hand.
I dropped a pile of warm duck droppings into his greedy hands and walked away.